How to Achieve Greatness in 10 Easy Steps
Let’s take a quick stroll down memory lane for a hot second or two. Most of us have been force-fed the same fairytale narrative growing up (regardless of one’s background): that by reaching certain milestones in life along a pre-determined timeline, one could sleep soundly, knowing they were successful as adults.
(Please note: These parameters were set by a collective of elders who still opt not to be named for the purpose of their safety but hacked the algorithm of life many years ago and stand by their testament that this information remains factual.)
By following the guidelines below that have withstood the test of time, you too can have a 4-bedroom, 3-bathroom house in the suburbs—complete with a white picket fence. The outline will aid you in acquiring the tools necessary to earn said home and the picture-perfect family to fill it with. Please do not attempt to skip steps. If struggling with a step, return to the previous step, reassess, and reattempt the next step. Cheers to finding happiness!
10 Simple Steps to Achieving Greatness
Step 1: Excel in Academics You’ve mastered the art of eating and regurgitating information. You go, Glen-Cocoa! That whole Pythagorean Theorem thing is truly going to come in handy someday—well, maybe if you become a civil engineer. Fingers crossed those grades will at least be rewarded with a scholarship to school, I fully stand by merits being rewarded with proper compensation (it’s not like I was Valedictorian of my class in Graduate School or anything).
Step 2: Graduate High School Congrats on turning 18! You are legally an adult and can make your own decisions. (That doesn’t mean you should, but..hey.) For those who “peaked” in high school, it’s all down here from now on. Sorry, kind of.
Step 3: Attend College/University Please don’t get a degree in art history or environmental photography (if that exists, because why wouldn’t it?). We need more people in society who can actually afford to pay back their student loans.
Step 4: Land your "Dream" Job You're making money moves now. Spend it wisely, but also treat yo’self. But pleaseeeee don’t forget to file your taxes. If you don’t know how, that’s totally cool, babes. Just take them to someone who does. People literally do that for a living (it’s their dream job.) *Smiley Emoji*
Step 5: Meet "The One" He’s tall, dark, handsome, and.. the guy holding a fish on Tinder that you just swiped left on (oops!) Good news: tomorrow, the only “catch of the day” at the coffee shop he will find is you! *wink wink*
Step 6: Tie the Knot There’s nothing better than waking up next to your perfect match every day, but there’s nothing worse than waking up to someone you resent. Make sure you want marriage and not just a wedding, girlies.
Step 7: Buy your "Dream" Home People often say, “Get a starter home” and then level up. Why? Get whatever home you want, whenever you want, with whatever your budget allows. They don’t live there — unless you let them, which I wouldn’t advise. (They sound quite judgmental already.)
Step 8: Have 2.5 Kids How exactly does one have 0.5 of a child? That sounds rather difficult for both the mother and kin. I’m just a stepmom, but you should probably stick with 0–3 for the best results on this one. *Pondering with Monacle Emoji*
Step 9: Work (yourself to the bone) for 40 years Well, I could and probably should write an entire article (or 5) about this one. It’s best not to start going down the rabbit hole of a TED talk that could never be reduced to a few lines (but as always, do what feels right for you.)
Step 10: Retire & Enjoy Life to The Fullest As soon as feasibly possible. Literally, you’ve earned it. After 67 years of working your tail off, birthing and raising children who will have to restart the cycle themselves, and paying off student loans, you get to finally kick off those Crocs and (attempt to) live off of that 401K, pension, Social Security (if there is any left), and don’t forget the other “passive income” stream, aka the ridiculous $400 cleaning fee you charge when someone stays at the AirBnB in Belize — whether it be 1 night or 1 month, because it’s “gotta stay equally ready for guests.” *Excited Emoji* It’s time to do what makes your heart sing and fall in love with both life and your partner all over again. This is ~Living La Vida Retirement~ Bae-Bee!
I mean, in all fairness, it sounds pretty simple when it’s laid out like that. I can only see a few (major) flaws in their plan. Check-in later this week—when I dive head first into the shallow end of that swimming pool.
For now, keep contemplating if your perfect “happily ever after” is what Nona always envisioned it’d be, what you are passionate about, or if it even exists…
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